Overcoming Love
(from chapter 5 of Tears and Healing)

We may really be hurting from a relationship with someone who is unhealthy - whether alcoholic or suffering from a personality disorder like borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or antisocial personality disorder. Yet we may still feel very strong feelings of love toward this person. Even if we want to leave the relationship, it seems like these feelings of love lock us in. Overcoming these feelings may be the key step in enabling us to find happier lives.

This is a challenge that I personally faced. It took a lot of reading and a lot of synthesis of different ideas for me to reach an understanding of why I was stuck where I was. First, I needed to understand the difference between love, which is a caring and giving action, and being in-love, which is an emotional state which tends to distort our perceptions. Then, I needed to understand why I was drawn to certain types of women and not to others. Finally, I came to understand some of the motivation that was driving me to feel these strong in-love feelings.

These are not simple things, and they’re not things that were really accustomed to thinking about. Our culture gives us a very unrealistic idealized perception of love.But if you are in a relationship with someone hurtful to you, and consciously you realize that the relationship is bad for you but you still have strong feelings of love for that person, then these are things that you really need to think about and understand.

In this chapter, I explore all four of these subjects in a way that has helped many people to get a better handle on their situation. Even with this understanding, you can’t change yourself quickly. But it’s a relief to understand which direction you need to move and take action that moves you toward that better place.

Selected Pages from Tears and Healing