Feeling that you have to stay -
Obligation: The Hook
(from chapter 6 of Tears and Healing)

Obligation is often the glue that sticks us into abusive relationships. Many of us get into our relationships because we fall in love, or to fill in missing or denied parts of our whole self. But even after we figure out that our partner has narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcoholism, or antisocial personality disorder, we end up staying in them because of obligation.

Obligation, quite simply, is the thought that we must do something because of a requirement or expectation of someone or something that is outside our own needs and wants. And often, our concepts of obligation run completely contrary to our needs. We know we want something else; we know we need something else; but we persist in what we're doing because we believe that we must. Thus, obligation, together with fear, is what hooks us in and locks us down in hurtful relationships.

My thoughts on these issues have been shaped by Peck's writing and by Al-anon books. But just as important is the personal insight I've gained from working through my own obligation issues, and helping others on my support lists work through theirs.

It seems like feelings of obligation comes in four basic flavors. The biggest two are the feeling of obligation to stay faithful for life to a spouse, and the feeling of obligation to maintain an intact family for the benefit of children. Notice I said "feeling of obligation" and not just "obligation. Why? Because these are, for most people, more feelings or beliefs than they are true obligations. Whoa! What am I saying here?

Obligation is a true external compulsion, like paying income tax. Don't do it, and someone will come and take you to jail. Feelings of obligation come from within. They represent our belief system, but just as often, they are unchallenged assumptions that we make. That's right. We actually create our own "obligations" by thinking or surmising that others expect us to do something.

This takes us to the last two flavors of obligation. First is the feeling that "they" need me to maintain some state of quality. Who are "they"? Good question. This was a fallacy I found in my own value system. I had this idea that everyone around me had expectations of me. It turns out not. These exist in our minds only. And last, comes the idea of obligation to me, to myself. This is an area where many of us fall down. We forget to weigh in with what our responsibility to ourselves is.

In this chapter I address all four of these areas, and share a little of my own struggle to reconcile my expectations and obligations with what my spirit was calling for.

Selected Pages from Tears and Healing